Is My Teen Struggling?
14 October 2025

Is My Teen Struggling?

Adolescence is full of change — but how do we tell when it’s more than “just teenage behaviour”? This piece looks beyond the usual checklists to the quiet signs of struggle we often miss, and what it really means to stay connected when our teens pull away.

This may sound like a strange question for some of you — shouldn’t I, as a mother, know my child well enough to tell if they’re struggling with the pressures of adolescence?

The truth is, it’s not always that easy. In fact, part of being a teenager often involves pretending to be fine — even when they’re not.

It’s normal for them to go quiet and keep to themselves for days.
It’s normal for them to sleep until noon, then stay up until the early hours of the morning.
It’s normal for their appetite to swing between eating nothing and eating everything in sight.

And yet, if you look up the signs that a teen might be struggling, nearly every article will tell you to look for:

  • Changes in behaviour

  • Changes in sleep patterns

  • Changes in eating habits

So… where does that leave us as parents?

When “Normal” Isn’t So Normal

Adolescence is a time of transformation — not just physical, but emotional, cognitive, and social. A teen’s brain is literally being rewired to prepare them for adult independence. That means heightened emotions, impulsivity, sensitivity to social feedback, and yes — a tendency to pull away from parents.

So yes, change is normal.
But here’s the nuance: it’s not the change itself that signals struggle — it’s the pattern, persistence, and emotional tone behind the change that matters.

1. Patterns That Don’t Shift Back

Most teens move through moods and phases — a few days of withdrawal, a week of irritability, a stretch of late nights. But if those patterns don’t reset over time — if your teen seems stuck in sadness, apathy, anger, or anxiety — it may be a sign something deeper is happening.

Ask yourself:

Has my child lost interest in the things that normally bring them joy — not just for a day, but for weeks?
Do they seem disconnected from friends, not just selective about who they see?

2. Energy — Not Just Sleep

It’s easy to focus on sleep hours, but what really matters is energy and motivation. A teen who stays up late but still engages in school, chores, or hobbies is likely fine. A teen who sleeps endlessly and still seems exhausted, flat, or disinterested may be signalling emotional fatigue or depression.

3. Eating as Emotional Language

Teens often use food (or the lack of it) as a quiet form of control. Look beyond appetite and notice what’s being communicated through it. Are they skipping meals because they’re busy and distracted, or because they’re shutting down emotionally?

4. Social Shifts

Withdrawal from family is typical — but withdrawal from everyone isn’t. A teen who stops engaging with friends, avoids even online connection, or seems isolated even when surrounded by peers may be experiencing inner turmoil.

5. The Disguise of “I’m Fine”

Teens often believe they’re protecting us by hiding pain. They’ll say “I’m fine” because they don’t want to be a burden, or because they’re scared we’ll overreact. Ironically, this self-protection can make them feel even more alone.

What Helps

As parents, our power isn’t in “fixing” — it’s in noticing, staying present, and making space for truth to surface.

  • Name what you see, not what you fear. (“You’ve seemed quieter lately — is everything okay?” feels safer than “Are you depressed?”)

  • Be available without agenda. Teens open up when they sense you’re not trying to get somewhere with the conversation.

  • Keep routines steady. Consistency gives emotional safety even when communication feels strained.

  • Trust your intuition. You don’t have to diagnose — if something feels off for too long, it probably is.

Finding Our Way Through the Grey

Parenting teens often feels like trying to read a map without clear landmarks. There are no neat lines between “normal teenage behaviour” and “something’s wrong.” What matters most isn’t perfect understanding — it’s ongoing curiosity, gentle observation, and connection that stays open even when words don’t come easily.

If you’ve read Eben’s story, you’ll know that this whole project began from my own uncertainty — those long months of sensing something wasn’t right, but not knowing what to look for or how to find the right kind of help. I remember the quiet panic of wondering whether I was overreacting, or missing something important. That helplessness is what fuels this work — the hope that no other parent has to feel as lost as I once did.

Because the truth is, it’s easy not to notice. It’s easy to assume they’ll “grow out of it.” And when you finally do notice, it’s not always clear where to turn.

Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is simply stay near — to notice, to listen, and to remind them (and ourselves) that struggling doesn’t mean something is broken. It just means they’re human — and growing.

In our next post — “Getting a Diagnosis (or Just Getting Help)” — we’ll talk about what happens when your gut tells you your teen might need extra support. How do you begin? What does “help” actually look like? And how can you reach out without making them pull away?

Because noticing is only the first step. The next one is learning how to walk beside them as they find their way back to balance.